You suck (face)
Got laid up on Valentine's Day with a wicked case of the stomach flu. It's now swept through my entire household. I've logged in countless hours on the bathroom floor, either personally worshipping the porcelain god or holding a wee one's head as he or she paid his or her respects.
Anyway, didn't get a chance to do up the loving Valentine's Day post that I'd hoped to have tackled. Since I'm still feeling relatively crappy, thought I'd save the heartfelt saccharine sweet stuff for another day.
As I was reflecting upon all of the good things and people in my life, I had a few moments to consider some of the less pleasurable things I've endured. Chiefly, I was remembering all of the bad kissers I've encountered. As I mentally counted, I realised that there were more bad ones than good. Why is this? Are good kissers so rare, or have I just had a run of bad luck?
A kiss is probably one of the most intimate actions I know of. Sex isn't necessarily so. Remember Julia Roberts in that modern Cinderella flick Pretty Woman? She is able to carry out any sexual act with anyone so long as lip locking isn't involved. I totally understood that.
Some of the worst kissers I've encountered:
1. Doggy style: He not only sucked on my upper lip incessantly, but also felt compelled to lick my nose as well.
2. Oxygen bar: During a deep kiss he would suck all the air out of my mouth. For variety, he would sometimes try blowing hot air into my mouth.
3. Show me the money: I felt as though he had no lips to speak of during said kiss. We do like gentle kisses sometimes, but I'd still like to feel I'm kissing something more than mushy oatmeal.
4. Deep throat: I think this man wanted to tickle my tonsils with his tongue. I've never encountered such major lingual thrusting before. Thinking about it now when I've been so nauseous lately makes me shudder.
5. Crotch encounter of the worst kind: Immediately upon our lips first touching, his knee found it way right between my legs whereupon it began rubbing quite vigorously. I actually don't even remember if the actual kiss itself was good or not because I was so put off by the thrusting leg.
6. Tetanus anyone? While some gentle biting can be quite erotic, please refrain from chewing my lips off, especially during a first kiss. Especially if you are hoping for a second kiss.
The good news is that I've had some amazing kissing sessions, the kind which leave you quite breathless and dazed. So I do know what I am talking about with regards to the above being considered a turn-off. On the other hand, working on the premise that it takes all kinds, perhaps there are some women out there who might consider any one of those moves exciting.
I know men log in a great deal of time talking about the women they've bagged, but how much time do they spend discussing the kisses they've dispensed? Perhaps locker room talk would best be enhanced by a discussion on lingual technique.
Unfortunately, I now have to go back to my post on the washroom floor. Not sure if my visit has been psychologically induced by the trip down memory lane, or if the flu bug is more persistent than I thought.
Happy belated Valentine's Day everyone!
Anyway, didn't get a chance to do up the loving Valentine's Day post that I'd hoped to have tackled. Since I'm still feeling relatively crappy, thought I'd save the heartfelt saccharine sweet stuff for another day.
As I was reflecting upon all of the good things and people in my life, I had a few moments to consider some of the less pleasurable things I've endured. Chiefly, I was remembering all of the bad kissers I've encountered. As I mentally counted, I realised that there were more bad ones than good. Why is this? Are good kissers so rare, or have I just had a run of bad luck?
A kiss is probably one of the most intimate actions I know of. Sex isn't necessarily so. Remember Julia Roberts in that modern Cinderella flick Pretty Woman? She is able to carry out any sexual act with anyone so long as lip locking isn't involved. I totally understood that.
Some of the worst kissers I've encountered:
1. Doggy style: He not only sucked on my upper lip incessantly, but also felt compelled to lick my nose as well.
2. Oxygen bar: During a deep kiss he would suck all the air out of my mouth. For variety, he would sometimes try blowing hot air into my mouth.
3. Show me the money: I felt as though he had no lips to speak of during said kiss. We do like gentle kisses sometimes, but I'd still like to feel I'm kissing something more than mushy oatmeal.
4. Deep throat: I think this man wanted to tickle my tonsils with his tongue. I've never encountered such major lingual thrusting before. Thinking about it now when I've been so nauseous lately makes me shudder.
5. Crotch encounter of the worst kind: Immediately upon our lips first touching, his knee found it way right between my legs whereupon it began rubbing quite vigorously. I actually don't even remember if the actual kiss itself was good or not because I was so put off by the thrusting leg.
6. Tetanus anyone? While some gentle biting can be quite erotic, please refrain from chewing my lips off, especially during a first kiss. Especially if you are hoping for a second kiss.
The good news is that I've had some amazing kissing sessions, the kind which leave you quite breathless and dazed. So I do know what I am talking about with regards to the above being considered a turn-off. On the other hand, working on the premise that it takes all kinds, perhaps there are some women out there who might consider any one of those moves exciting.
I know men log in a great deal of time talking about the women they've bagged, but how much time do they spend discussing the kisses they've dispensed? Perhaps locker room talk would best be enhanced by a discussion on lingual technique.
Unfortunately, I now have to go back to my post on the washroom floor. Not sure if my visit has been psychologically induced by the trip down memory lane, or if the flu bug is more persistent than I thought.
Happy belated Valentine's Day everyone!
posted by EarthMother at 11:32 PM
12 Comments:
So sorry to hear about the flu hitting your household!
I had two notably bad kissers in my life. The first was in your 'show me the money' category. It was only a prelude to his overall skills as a lover, which were just as lame.
The second was some indescribable fish-puckering suction technique. Oddly enough I'd gone on 9 dates with him before kissing. I never went out with him again after that kiss.
Loved, loved, loved your description of the doggy style kiss. That's so disgusting. How did you stop from screaming?
In an effort to tie the themes in this post together (I hate loose ends) I offer you this as far as bad kissing experiences: One of my closest friends in high school and I went to a summertime, outdoor party, him with his new girlfirend, me with mine. There was drinking involved. He started making out with her. She promptly vomited in his mouth.
Now THAT's a bad kiss. On so many levels.
Dan wins.
I've only had a few bad kissers.
The worst had his tongue out of his mouth while he was still 4 or 5 inches away from my face. I had a mad crush on him, and he was good in bed, but I couldn't have a relationship with him because his kissing was so gross.
Snooze: Yeah what I don't get is that after having the bad kiss, we still go to bed with them! You'd think the kiss would be warning enough. I've kissed tons of people and so many of them have been horrible kissers. Among all the subset of bad kissers that I've bedded, not one of them surprised me in the boudoir with his abilities -- they were all equally lame!
Dan: Ewww! Gross, but thanks for somehow managing to bring some cohesion to my post. I knew something was lacking.
Dickey: What a horrible quagmire ... good in the sack but horrible kisser. I mean I can imagine you thinking "Please don't kiss me ... just do me".
I don't know exactly how they'd get away with it since most parents would likely throw a major hissy fit, but I swear they should teach kissing etiquitte in school!
EM: Actually the post was very cohesive - I didn't mean to say otherwise (I was kidding about the loose ends). I was just all excited that I had an experience (well, my friend had the actual experience, thankyouverymuch) that actually married the two ideas together.
Did I mention it was projectile vomiting?
Dan: No offense taken. I actually loved how you brought together the fact that I was feeling pukey and the bad kissing incidents together! And eww ... projectile vomiting? Gross ...
Sister: I'm all for teaching kissing etiquette in school. Cos otherwise, it means that I'm going to have to line up my kids and give them lectures which should maybe best left to someone non-related to them. Their therapy fund only stretches so far ...
I've had a few bad ones. My least favorite is fast tongue circle thing. I would just stop and start over till they did what I liked. Not saying it was the right way, but I felt better about having to kiss them.
Dan - good grief. That is the vilest kiss I've ever heard of.
yes...the crotch one is so high school boys!!ugh!!! so funny..
Have you ever found popcorn remains in your mouth and you don't even like popcorn? That was one hell of a night out....pretty gross...
The water Fountain - This guy simply could not hold saliva in his mouth as he kissed. It was like an affliction. As he kissed, he would drool all over your face and his. I was so put off by it, that despite his completely stacked body, I had to break it off with him.
Creature Teacher: Welcome! And may I say ... gross!!!
Epi: Yes, amazing that a revolting kiss simply overrides anything else sometimes. That is disgusting, I have to say.
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