Correct Conversation 101

I've come to conclusion yet again that men are just plain dumb. Or is it just my man?

You'd think after thirteen-and-a-half years together, he'd figure it out, but apparently the learning curve for him is a long one. Or maybe it's because he's taken so many blows to the head with the frying pan.

Allow me to provide all you lost men out there with a good script.

When your wife dons an outfit, it is in bad form to say to her "Well that dress looks better on you. It makes you look thin. Not like the other one you just had on". This causes said wife to look in the mirror and wonder if she is fat. Yes, I know this sounds just so female, but you see there is a certain amount of history around this whole scenario.

The worst thing a man can do when asked by a woman how she looks, is to survey her closely up and down, make repeated requests for her to turn every which way, open his mouth to say something, interrupt himself by looking down at his watch and then say quickly "You look fine. We'd better go now or we're going to be late". The translation of this is "You actually don't look so hot, but if I say that, I know you'll start going through your entire wardrobe and we don't have time for that now".

The other day I got dressed and came downstairs to begin my day. My husband was unusually silent after giving me the once over during breakfast. I have to state firstly that I was wearing the dress that apparently didn't look as good on me as the skinny one. After I backed the car out of the driveway and was on my way to my kids' camp, my phone rang. It was hubby with some work-related question, after which I commented to him that I have never felt comfortable wearing this particular dress after he'd insinuated that I looked fat in it, and that I now worried that I looked frumpy and fat to the rest of the world at large.

Here is where all you men should be taking notes. When a woman says this, the correct answer is "Really sweetie? I don't know why. You look completely hot, sexy and irresistible in that dress. How could you be anything otherwise?", not "Why do you wear it then?"

In similar fashion, the following are not considered to be a good compliments:

"You look good for someone who has had three kids"
"That's a flattering outfit. It hides your tummy"
"I like your haircut this time better than I did the last one" (particularly if you say this every haircut)
"You're not fat. Just look at so-and-so" (so-and-so has about fifty pounds on me)
"Don't worry about what you look like. Most people aren't very good looking anyways".

Okay, so it may sound as though I'm completely and utterly vain and shallow since all of these comments have to do with my appearance. The reason for this is that I don't doubt that I'm reasonably intelligent. Hell, my parents essentially told me throughout my childhood to give up on what I look like and concentrate on my wonderful brain instead. That's got to count for something since my parents never gave out compliments.

Will I sound terribly anti-feminist if I say that lots of women don't just want to be thought of as smart, capable people, but also as beautiful, sexy and desirable people?