All I Need to Know, I Learned Through Blood, Sweat and Tears

Some little nuggets ...

1. When contemplating bearing a man's children, take a moment to measure the size of his head (the one between his shoulders). Also find out what his birth weight was (anything over eight pounds is cause for concern).

2. When contemplating marrying a man (or moving in with him), consider it prudent to pose the following simple questions:

Are you an orphan? (right answer: yes -- proceed to altar)

But if no, then:
Do your parents live far away? (score extra points if their hometown is 1,000 miles away or more)

If no to that, then:
Would you consider your parents to be meddling, controlling people with a keen ability to pull the manipulative guilt card? (N.B. nervous hesitation before answering in the negative should be considered a "yes")

If the above was answered in the affirmative, then:
Can we move a gazillion miles away from your parents?

If no, then "See you Charlie" is often a good line to use. Most effective when the melody Hit the Road Jack is heard in the background.

3. When faced with someone who has got their knickers in a knot over something you've supposedly done, smile serenely throughout and then hit them with "Oh, I'm sorry. My ears just unplugged. What was that you were just saying?" A great way to send them completely over the edge and also an excellent way to get your jollies on those boring rainy days. (N.B. Don't try this if you don't have fast reflexes).

4. If you want to score a seat on a crowded bus or subway, cough, sneeze and make general snuffly noises following by wiping your hand under your nose as you hover over someone. Then feign losing your balance due to jolting of bus so that germy hand comes dangerously close to seated person's jacket and face. Keep edging closer as you continue to hack and blow nose between your fingers. If you do it properly, you can often gain a couple of seats -- more room to spread out and rest your knapsack or purse comfortably.

5. If you've been unlucky enough to answer the phone and find a consumer surveyor or telemarketer on the other end, let them begin their monotonous spiel and then start counting aloud in non-sequential order throughout (five, eighteen, one thousand, two, three, one hundred and one, etc.) After each question, say "I'm sorry? I missed that ..." When they begin again, interrupt them and ask them an inane question (eg. How's the weather your way? Your health good?) It may take a little bit longer to torture them than it would to just hang up on them (which would be just so rude), or answer their questions (which would be just so boring), but it's a lot more fun. Also, I think eventually the word spreads about you because I haven't had a phone call in ages now. (Have to find another form of entertainment ...)

6. If hosting a gathering where you end up with an uninvited straggler (more than thirty minutes minutes after the last person has left is considered rude, I think), put some bad porn on the TV, undo the top button of your pants, put your feet up on the coffeetable while you announce loudly how wonderful that everyone has left because you can now relax and let go since you've had a wicked case of gas and the trots all night long. Then say "I feel so comfortable with you" while you feign preparations for a giant session of flatulence. (NB. Be a good hostess and open the front door for them as they rush out into the night. Remember good manners are so important).

7. Consider using baking soda for all your household cleaning needs. (Okay, so I felt I should put something in there that was quasi useful on a day-to-day basis).

8. Smile and have fun even if it's sometimes at others' expense (NB. I am not advocating cruelty to others -- just general shit disturbing)