Worth every red cent

Quick on the heels of women who make me ashamed we share the same gender, here is a story which a client recently related to me.

This particular client is a bizarre albeit benignly harmless fellow. He is a self-professed big drinker (we had to factor in the cost of his habit, when qualifying him for a mortgage). The day his deal firmed up, he ended up at my place around the dinner hour. Since he appeared to be ravenous and was literally salivating at the smells emanating from my kitchen, I invited him to stay and break bread with my kids. Afterwards, he politely turned down my offers of coffee or tea, but looked expectant. I twigged to the fact that he probably wanted a digestif along the alcoholic lines, so I offered to open up a bottle of wine. He proceeded to drink me under the table quite easily, and as he drank, he got even more chatty than usual.

Somehow the topic turned to his single status. He told me that he hadn't had a girlfriend in some months now, and that if I found him one, he would give me $800.00. Of course, I just had to question how he arrived at that particular amount. Not too interesting an answer actually; he said he'd once made the same offer to a friend for a cool thousand, but now figured that that had been far too much money. (It would make for an interesting Mastercard commercial though, wouldn't it? Acquiring beautiful, intelligent girlfriend: $800.00. First date with said girlfriend: $150.00. Floral arrangement sent to girlfriend after discovery of covert deal with friend: $100.00. Antihistamines purchased after now ex-girlfriend throws flowers in face: $12.00. Grief at blowing opportunity to spend life with great girl because of sheer stupidity: Priceless).

As we approached the end of the bottle of wine which we "shared" (I had half a glass, he had the rest), the client shared another little anecdote with me, hailing from his university days. It involved his then-current girlfriend with whom he'd been going out for about six months at the time of the incident.

One night she turned away from his sexual overtures, and stated that she wasn't in the mood. Desperately horny, he offered to pay her if she'd have sex with him. Rather than smacking him senseless and walking out on him, she instead asked him how much. In turn, he replied "What would you like?", all the while thinking that he'd be willing to part with fifty bucks. In true insecure female fashion, she valued her booty at a whopping ten dollars.

Here's the part of the story which the client thought was truly amusing, and which I found utterly revolting. Instead of handing over the pitiful sum of money and having his way with her, the client figured that surely there must be wiggle room for negotiation. So he countered her offer with $5.00 which she then countered for $9.00. They finally settled on $8.00, which was used afterwards to buy a pack of cigarettes and some milk. As if that wasn't bad enough, the client bragged that he'd smoked half the pack and drank most of the milk anyway.

I certainly hope he at least gave her a few orgasms.