I do some of my best thinking when I am driving, something about not having to focus on external stimuli other than road signs and traffic lights.
Today, while driving to and from my cottage, I was reflecting on my life in general. I realise I spend a lot of time on my blog engaging in idle complaints and amusing bitching, but the truth of the matter is that it's really all in the name of good fun; I've never been happier and more at peace than I am now.
It's funny. I'm not particularly ambitious anymore, or at least not in the way I was during my twenties when I felt I had to prove myself to the world at large. Oh sure, there are things I may want to tackle career-wise at some point in my future since I'm not passionate about the profession I'm currently in, but I'm okay to just let things cook awhile before I go full tilt towards anything.
It's been suggested by some that I am yearning for my youth. I guess, the small slice of myself that I've presented here on my blog certainly seems like evidence in favour of that opinion. The truth of the matter is that I wouldn't trade where I am right now for anything. Sure, I'm middle-aged and look it, but with that comes the security and confidence of not caring anymore. When I was younger, I spent a lot of time feeling tense about so many unresolved issues, and worse, lacking the awareness that I had any unresolved issues.
Growing up, my parents always had this thing about not being content with oneself, because in their opinion, once you were satisfied with something, you stopped trying. Therefore, there was no shortage of criticism, and an absolute drought in the way of compliments. I don't think that's necessarily true, based in part on my experiences as a parent, and largely upon my own personal life. I realise that I've travelled a fair bit on my own path to self-development, but that there is still a long way to go. Having gotten as far as I have has only whetted my appetite to keep going.
It took me so long to try and find my place in the world, and now having found it (okay, not professionally though) has brought me such peace of mind and (I hesitate to even use this word) joy.
I realised yet again today on my drive home that happiness has nothing to do with the external circumstances (unless of course, you're in life-threatening or extreme situations eg. starving to death, war, etc.). I'm not happy because I may live in a nice house or drive a big ass truck or any of those other frivolous, materialistic and completely irrelevant facts. The happiness comes from somewhere or something that has little to do with what your living situation may be and more to do with a sense of self.
Having spent more than half of my life struggling with issues of what my self was and where my place in the world was, I've had many moments of feeling deeply unhappy, despite any of the positive external factors in my life.
It's deeply liberating to me now to come to the realisation that so long as I'm alive and own little nuclear family is okay, nothing else really matters.
So just for today, I'm going to be corny and grateful to whatever powers that be that let me find my way to where I am now. Tomorrow, I'll go back to being my usual bitchy self on my blog!
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4 comments:
Isn't the ultimate ambition to be happy? That's what I believe now. Sort of that zen inner contentment.
I guess you're right, Snooze. It sounds stupid, but I remember being really surprised when I made the discovery that you could be nothing professionally and yet still be happy. I'd been programmed to believe that satisfaction and happiness only derived from work.
I understand what you mean. Most of my happiness comes from work, but my disbelief came with the fact that it's quite a low level job [and you should hear my parents about it]. I was also raised to believe that I couldn't be happy if I wasn't married, so I know exactly how you feel suddenly realizing that you ARE happy even though you may not be following your parents' 'route to happiness'.
Snooze: First, I don't think your job is low level at all. Your parents may apply different criteria to come up with that conclusion, but the truth is that not everyone can be a doctor, lawyer, dentist, accountant or engineer (the five professions that were acceptable in my family -- I honestly didn't know that anything else existed out there for the longest time!)
Second, you're right. So many people think they have the receipe for happiness and therefore are like Jehovah Witnesses' trying to convert you. In my old age, I've grown to realise that no two paths or alike, and you can't take someone else along on your journey. But that doesn't mean that the end result can't be the same.
I sort of feel like someone who finally got deprogrammed from all the brainwashing. It's deeply liberating.
Sister: You're right. We place way too much importance on things that are, in the end, completely irrelevant. A friend asked me recently if there was a great big fire at my house, what would I run back in to get? The answer was easy -- my family and my picture albums. Other than that, who cared?
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