Memories of U.C.

Yesterday, I was invited to two little gatherings, both hosted by university friends.

I have kept in touch with only four friends from university, three of whom I lived in residence with -- which means that we all saw each other in various compromising states of inebriation and undress.

The first party was held by a friend of mine whom I'd met within hours of registering for Frosh Week. Our relationship has had its ups and downs (there were a couple of years during our undergrad career in which our communication consisted of him saying "hello" and me responding with "fuck off") but we've managed to stay good friends throughout the years. It's hard to believe that we've known each other for almost eighteen years -- which comprises half of our lives and our entire adulthood. During the party, it struck me that we should be applauded for maintaining a friendship during years in which we've changed so much. On the surface, perhaps it looks as though we've done the same things; we've both gotten married and had three kids each, purchased homes, cars, etc., but beyond the banal commonality of our lives, our experiences and ultimate journeys have been so vastly different from each other's. Fortunately, we've both learned to value and embrace the relationships that we have. Such is the price for old age and the aches and pains and grey hairs that accompany it.

The second party I attended was held by my dear friend, Snooze. Ostensibly, the invitation read that it was to be a tea party, but when I arrived, everyone was bearing champagne flutes or wine glasses, with no tea in evidence. (My thinking was that it was like the code used in some restaurants in China Town -- you go in after hours and ask for "cold tea" and they bring you a teapot full of beer). I knew not a single person at Snooze's party and they were all such a tight group with each other. It brought home the fact that Snooze and I lead such parallel existences in some ways, and that even though we talk occasionally and see each other even less occasionally, we really don't know that much about each other.

It begs the question of what makes a friendship truly a strong and lasting one. In all four cases of my university friends, I see them on a sporadic and occasional basis, yet I count them as good friends. Am I wrong to do so?

When I was much younger, I used to be like some kind of jealous, insecure wife; my friends needed to call me and see me on a very regular basis, or else I would start accusing them of being undevoted to our relationship. Now that I'm older, lazier and, hopefully, wiser (and very definitely busier), I've just come to appreciate the times that my friends do pick up the phone and call me, or take a moment from their day to meet me for coffee/tea/lunch/dinner/drinks. I count myself really lucky that I have such a wonderful circle of supportive friends which, incredibly enough, continues to grow.

Last year while at Starbucks with my daughter, I met a woman with a baby. Well, okay ... I was literally dragged there by my daughter J. who has a thing for babies of the female variety. She was too shy to go and gaze at the baby on her own, so she made me go with her. Bless her little heart though because, while I huffed and puffed at the time, I ended up meeting someone who is my soul sister. We connected immediately and were both somewhat taken aback by it, I think. You hear stories, often, of two people who see each other across a crowded room, and just know that they are meant for one another. Well, this is what happened to my "sister" and I, but on a friendship level. The interesting thing is that we'd been circling each other for some time. We had actually known each other in university (lived in the same residence) although we'd never exchanged a single word during that time. We have lived a stone's throw away from each other for the past five years, and have been avid patrons of the same hair salon for years. We were clearly meant at some point to meet, but only when we were truly ready and able to appreciate what the other represented. Had we initiated a friendship years ago in university, I'm quite convinced that we would not now be friends.

It's comforting to know that I have friends whom I can call upon after a lengthy passage of time, and that we can chat as though we had never left off.