A Woman's Prerogative

I am obsessed with the human form. More particularly, I am obsessed with the human female form.

For the record, I am not a lesbian (not that there's anything wrong with it), but I do enjoy beauty, and I find women more particularly alluring, at least physically (if not on all levels) than I do men.

I used to sneak peeks at attractive women in public places. Now I openly stare and admire, and where applicable, give praise where praise is due. If I were male and a couple of decades older, I'd probably be dubbed an ogler or a D.O.M.

I suppose it's a case of envy. I spent most of my prepubscent and adolescent years being unattractive, geeky and awkward (not to mention a carpenter's wet dream). The only thing I had going for me was that I never suffered from acne. I think I would have gladly accepted a few zits for a few curves. When boys called me, it wasn't to ask me out on a date, but to seek out math help. I truly lived on the sidelines.

Remember the Judy Blume book "Dear God, It's Me Margaret"? To some extent, that was me. The underdeveloped, conflicted and confused girl who longed for and competed with her friends for early womanhood. Yeah, so after reading that, I think I spent the better part of a few years on my knees, praying to God to let me develop breasts. Must have prayed really hard (or eaten lots of hormone infused chicken) because I started growing at an alarming rate. Eventually, I started praying to God to stop the insanity.

Be careful what you wish for. During university, I think I became enormously popular not because of my sparkling wit, but chiefly because I had a "great pair of acting abilities" (verbatim according to one of my residence mates). I actually don't think they were that fabulous, but they were somewhat on the larger side, especially for an Asian (as was always pointed out to me). I'm surprised anyone even knew I was Asian actually, because most of the time guys talked to my chest.

Over the years, my entire body has undergone all sorts of changes, some positive, and some just ... well ... different. During the time when I worked out heavily, the transformation was quite pleasing. Overall though, after three rounds of pregnancy, childbirth and many years of breastfeeding, I would have to say that my body is probably confused.

I try not to be vain, because as was pointed out to me once long ago, a woman's body is amazing for being able to carry and nourish our children, and that in and of itself is miraculous and therefore, beautiful. Yeah, okay ... so I'm clearly not buying it. I figured that was code for "you're fat and out of shape, so here's the consolation prize".

Now that I'm in my late thirties, something has gone horribly awry with my body. I'm finding that I suddenly have extra padding in places I'd sooner not. It's somewhat distressing. Hence, my current obsession with the female form.

One of these days, I might actually get motivated enough to get off my ass and exercise instead of watching those beautiful women who so obviously work for what they flaunt. Until then, I'll just sit around and eat a few chocolates while bemoaning the unfairness of my love handles.