How to Look like a Schizophrenic Sleaze

So much for being good on Good Friday ...

I was talking on my cell phone today while driving. Since I'm a responsible and careful driver, I was using my headset so I could have both hands free (one to hold the steering wheel, the other to flip the bird at those who are shitty drivers).

Since it's a holiday today and I was just planning on spending the day with my kids, I dressed in a completely non-professional (read slobby and grungy) outfit. I was a walking fashion faux pas but happy as a clam.

The person with whom I was conversing is a male friend of mine. Since we are such good friends, almost no subject is sacrosanct. Recently, he told me about some great condoms he'd picked up at Shoppers Drugmart. The thing he found most fascinating was that he'd discovered them in the women's section. Indeed, they were billed as being contraceptives for "her pleasure".

So while we were chit chatting, I passed a Shoppers and decided to go in. I needed to get my husband a last-minute birthday card and that was the only store open. I told my friend that I was going to stay on the phone with him during my shopping expedition because I wanted to check out the women's aisle and make sure he wasn't just pulling my leg. As I disembarked from my car, I elected to keep the head set on and pocketed my phone.

We were like two school kids, giggling conspiratorially while I walked up and down the aisles searching for feminine products and reporting on my progress all the while.

"Ah ha!" I exclaimed as I rounded an aisle.

"I found it! Let's see ... douches, flavoured lubricants ... oh here they are ... wow! You really weren't kidding me ... there's a whole bunch of of different types of condoms for her!" I squealed with delight.

My friend then instructed me to read some of the labels to him. We chortled over the names of some of the products. We chuckled when I told him that there was a disposable vibrating cock ring. I roared with laughter when he observed that since they omitted the word "cock" from the label, some moron might buy it and put it on his or her finger.

We were having a great time, until I happened to turn around and see some elderly lady standing about two feet away from me with her jaw hanging to her knees. Since I have long hair, she couldn't see the piece attached to my ear. I can only assume that she thought I was talking to myself.

I high tailed it out of the store practically screaming with laughter. My reputation as a morally challenged person has been sealed.